


Gintoki's Guide On Valentine's Day's Dinner

by Sweetysweetssugarytreats



Series: Nonsense And... Other Stupid Stuff [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M, Nonsense, Single on valentine's day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 22:45:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17796167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/pseuds/Sweetysweetssugarytreats
Summary: "What's up guys? My name's Gintoki and today I'll show you how to learn cooking in 20 easy steps if you're single on Valentine's Day."





	Gintoki's Guide On Valentine's Day's Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> This is nonsense.

 

"Welcome back!" He says with a grin towards the camera. "What's up guys? My name's Gintoki and today I'll show you how to learn cooking in 20 easy steps if you're single on Valentine's Day."

 

* * *

"Step 1: Decide what to eat."

* * *

 

"Okay, first of all you have to choose what you want for dinner. You know how people make all that stuff that looks and sounds just so complicated and so boring for their boyfriends/girlfriends on Valentine's day?" His voice raises in a high-pitched mocking tone at the 'boyfriends/girlfriends' part, before turning to look dramatically serious at the camera. "But no. We're not about that life! Why not cook something simple instead? Let's just go chicken! Muscular guys always talk about how much chicken they have to eat to stay in shape, so just do that and pretend like your membership at the gym hasn't expired years go because you never want to go."

 

* * *

"Step 2: Buy the ingredients."

* * *

 

"And now we have to go to the convenience store and buy what we need." Gintoki says just as he is getting in the car and starting it. "By the way, if you're like me and you have never really tried to cook then I suggest you take some time before you start making dinner. You should start preparing like, say, at four o'clock... though now it's five. Guess I shouldn't have had that little nap."

It doesn't take long before he finds a parking spot. After five minutes of fighting with a middle-aged woman for the only trolley left he finally enters inside the convenience store, followed by the camera.

"Wow, today is packed. Guess everyone had the idea of cooking at the last minute, huh?"

He makes his way to the meat section that looks emptier by the second, but after searching around for a while he finally finds what he wants.

"A-ha! You're mine!" Just as he is about to snatch the lean meat it disappears before his eyes. When he turns he sees the middle-aged woman he just had a fight with for the trolley.

 

* * *

"Step 3: Assert your dominance at the convenience store by making valid points."

* * *

 

"I was here first bitch!"

The lady hits him across the face with her purse. Gintoki falls down on the floor from the force.

"What the hell do you have in there?! Rocks?!"

She looks ready to unleash his wrath on him but in a moment of distraction Gintoki gets up and manages to take back what's supposed to be his dinner from her.

"That's mine!" She yells crazily.

"Oh shit! Run! RUN!"

The camera is moving sporadically and out of focus as they run away.

 

* * *

 

"Step 4: Try to drive as fast as possible so that lady won't steal what's rightfully yours."

* * *

 

 

Loud sirens and lights are blaring across the streets.

"Are you kidding me?! Now the cops are following us too!"

 

* * *

"Step 5: After getting back to your home safely you can now start getting into the mind-set of cooking."

* * *

 

Gintoki breaths heavily as he quickly shuts his door and locks it.

"…Well, that was the same as getting in some cardio." He makes his way to the kitchen to deposit his food. "And now that you have your ingredients you have to get familiar with what you're going to use. Take out your utensils, looks at your pots and pans, pretend this is not the first time you're trying to cook but that you have already done it a hundred times before and that's going to make it sound really easy!"

He rummages around and gets on his tiptoes to get a pan he needs on the highest shelf, but he feels a tickling sensation on his nose.

All of a sudden Gintoki sneezes and hits his head on the pantry.

"Ow! What the fuck!"

The camera zooms in on Gintoki falling on his ass and holding his forehead with both hands.

"Shit, I think I'm bleeding."

Gintoki remembers he is filming a video and looks up at the camera. He shakes his head quickly. "We're not gonna put this in the video, let's just pretend I got this injury from a fight or something, people have to think that I'm cool."

The camera moves up and down in a nodding motion.

 

* * *

"Step 6: Hate on all the couples since you're the single one here."

* * *

 

"Hey guys, we're back!" Gintoki points to his forehead. "By the way, if you're wondering where I got this definitely very old scar, it was from a fight with a gang a few years ago. It was mad shit, something out of a movie scene." He closes his eyes as if in remembrance and after a moment opens them again. "And now this is one of the most important steps we are doing today!"

Gintoki looks pointedly at the camera. "Hate on the bane of your existence. All the couples out there."

The camera zooms in on Gintoki pretending to gag.

"I can't stand all these lovey-dovey people.  _Ugh_ , they make me want to puke. Who do they think they are with all their red hearts everywhere and all their _love_. How dare they show me their happiness?!"

He kicks the wall for good measure to show his hatred.

"Disgusting!"

 

* * *

"Step 7: Call your parents."

* * *

 

"And now call your parents to tell them the happy news. You're finally trying to cook for the first time, you should share it!"

Gintoki picks up the phone, dials the number quickly and waits. "It's ringing." He says with a smile to the camera. "Oh hey mom, how are you? …Yeah, good… yeah…. I just called to tell you that I'm finally cook- what? Wait- no- mom! Not again! No mom! I'm not getting married! Whatever, I know that hundreds of years ago people got married when they were sixteen but guess what? We're living in the modern era now!"

After a few minutes he finally finishes the conversation and puts down his cellphone. "I don't understand why everyone's so obsessed with relationships. Like, what, I have to be married by twenty-five, have a house and a baby or else I'm a loser? It's the 21st century for fuck's sake let people enjoy themselves and their freedom!"

He sighs after getting it out of his chest and just shakes his head. "I'm not gonna even attempt to call my dad, he's the complete opposite. Do you know what he did last year for Valentine's day? He sent me a card with a cute picture of two teddy bears holding a heart on the front and when I opened it he had written:  _Accept already that this will never be you and you're going to die alone lol_." Gintoki scoffs and raises his hands in the air. "I don't know what's worse, that or the fact that my dad knows what 'lol' means."

 

* * *

"Step 8: Now call your best friends!"

* * *

 

"Of course after calling your parents you have to call your best friends now!" Gintoki already has the phone by his ear, waiting for the person at the other end to pick up. "Yo Zura, I'm doing that guide on cooking like I had told you a while ago, what about you, watcha doin'? …Ohhh a movie? …You traitor! You said you would wait for me!... Is that Tatsuma I hear?! Did you invite him but not me?! Oi! What kind of best friend are you?!... No! I don't care if I have already seen it 37 times, i wanted to see it another one! Pass me that idiot…" Gintoki covers the speaker on the phone to whisper to the camera. "They're watching a classic. Camp Rock." He puts the phone to his ear again. "Hey you other traitor! …I don't care about your excuses, what part of the movie are you in right now?"

 

_30 Minutes Later_

 

"I-I don't know why Mitchie just wasn't herself from the very beginning, I mean why lie when you can be a unique version of yourself that no one else is!" Gintoki sobs in the phone and blows his nose on a tissue, the floor is already full of them. "Thank God everything's fine by the end and the last song is a-ma-zing!" And he launches himself in another conversation again.

 

* * *

"Step 9: Now call your best enemy."

* * *

 

"You know that one person you always fight with but you would die for because the hatred you pretend to have for each other is all the affection and trust you don't know how to show otherwise? Yeah, that's the person you call next." As soon as he hears the 'click' on the other line Gintoki starts yelling. "Yo Shinsuke! Fuck you! No you! Shut up I don't want to hear your stupid voice!"

 

_Another 30 Minutes Later_

 

"Are we still on for tomorrow? You know, lunch and catching up and all that stuff? Yeah, okay then, see you tomorrow. Bye, love you." He finally puts the phone down and shakes his head. "Ah, I want to punch him and hug him at the same time. I don't know if that's a good or a bad sign."

 

* * *

"Step 10: Remember that time when you weren't single."

* * *

 

"I had a few relationships throughout the years, they were all short though. The shortest one lasted two days. You guys know how Ariana Grande dropped a new hit where she said to break up with your girlfriend cause she's bored, right? So I did what had to be done and I broke up with my girlfriend, waiting for Ariana to hit me up. Only later did I realize that in the video she is actually talking about herself and how she has to break up with her own boyfriend and focus on self-love."

Gintoki pulls a face.

"…When I tried to get back together with my ex she told me that I'm a joke and that she'd rather drown in lava than spend even another minute in my presence again." He shrugs. "Guess I'm gonna focus on self-love too. Oh and never forget to look on the bright side."

Gintoki grins happily.

"If you're single there is a lot more chocolate for you on Valentine's day!"

 

* * *

"Step 11: Eat a snack before making dinner."

* * *

 

"I obviously didn't forget to buy a few snacks! I bet I'll be hungry while my meal is cooking so I'm all set! Don't listen to all those mothers out there that tell you not to eat anything before dinner, I'm not gonna starve to death 'cause I have to wait three hours before eating. You get me, right?"

Once again the camera moves in a way that resembles a nod.

Gintoki grabs the bags from the counter to show what is inside. "Let's see what we have here, some soda, chips, oreos, ice cream, oh I also saw a mini chocolate cake and of course I just had to buy it. You guys all know me by now, I love anything that contains sugar and chocolate obviously contains sugar so I'm all down for that!" He looks around for it, but stops in his tracks. "Wait…"

He starts looking around the whole place and only after a good ten minutes he gasps loudly and puts his hands over his head in despair. "Oh shit, I forgot it! Nooooooo that was my favourite!"

 

* * *

Step 12: Go to the convenience store to buy the desert you forgot."

* * *

 

"Ugh, there's so much traffic…" Gintoki complains as he waits in his car for all the others to move.

 

* * *

"Step 13: As you wait for the traffic to move already apologize to all the couples you hated in step 6."

* * *

 

"I-I'm so sorry, it's not that I don't like your l-love… I'm just really envious of you and I pretend to hate you when I would love being in your place instead!" Gintoki sobs in his hands, feeling suddenly emotional.

 

* * *

"Step 14: Pretend like step 13 never existed."

* * *

 

"Ugh, all these damn couples. I hate them!"

Gintoki stops talking abruptly and tilts his head.

"Hey, you hear this too?"

Suddenly there is commotion and people are getting out of their cars and running away.

"O, what's going o-"

 

* * *

"Step 15: Get dragged into something that looks definitely suspicious."

* * *

 

Gintoki opens his eyes groggily and looks around, but the only thing he can see is darkness. "Where am I?"

"…Oh. You too?" Someone from beside him suddenly speaks up and he jumps a little in shock, he finds that next to him is another guy. He looks pretty normal, and Gintoki's heart skips a beat when even in the darkness he notices his blue eyes.

"What- what do you mean by that?"

The guy shrugs. "I woke up like a minute ago, I have no idea what's going on either."

Gintoki nods in understanding. He suddenly gasps and looks around frantically, sighing in relief when he finds the cameraman.

"You're still filming?"

The camera moves up and down.

"Oh, good." Gintoki sighs in relief again, as if not having the camera to film the video anymore would be worse than waking up and finding himself in a strange place. He turns back to his newfound companion curiously. "Hey, what's your name?"

"Toshiro." The guy, no, Toshiro answers and Gintoki's heart skips another beat.

"You have a nice name." He says before he can stop himself. "I'm Gintoki."

"Thanks. I like your name too."

Gintoki smiles and is about to say something else when another voice interrupts them.

"Can you guys stop flirting for a second?! We're under attack!"

"We're not flirting!" Gintoki and Toshiro yell at the same time.

Then they gasp and look at each other.

"I mean, if you want to…" Gintoki shrugs and looks away shyly.

"I-It's not like I don't want to…" Toshiro looks the other way bashfully.

"…I bet you're nice at flirting." Gintoki continues with a little smile and a blush.

"…No, you are." Toshiro says with an embarrassed smile.

Gintoki gently pushes his shoulder. "Oh no, you're better than me."

Toshiro pushes back. "No, no, you are definitely better than me at flirting."

After a few pushes their spirits flare up and they're almost punching and kicking at each other now.

"I said you are better than me at flirting!"

"And I said that you are!"

"Stop it! You are!"

"No! You!"

"Can you both shut up?!" Someone else screams at them.

"You shut up!" They both yell simultaneously.

With a sudden push they go tumbling against the wall so hard they actually end up destroying it.

"…Oh." Gintoki looks at the new opening and at his new friend. "You know, I have to go to the convenience store to buy a cake, you wanna come with me?"

Toshiro shrugs. "Sure."

 

* * *

Step 16: Run away from the dangerous place you found yourself in with the boy who you insist is better at flirting than you are."

* * *

 

"If we run as fast as we can I bet whatever there was back there won't catch us! Holy shit, this is the first time something like this happens to me!"

"Same. And to think I just wanted to cook some dinner for myself tonight." Toshiro complains at his lost dinner plan.

Gintoki gasps. "Wait, you too?"

"Oh, you also?"

"Yeah, I was making a video on how to cook dinner for yourself in 20 easy steps if you're single on Valentine's day and hating on all these couples going on expensive restaurants and stuff."

"I hate them so much, who do they think they are? Flaunting all their stupid love in front of my eyes. Can't they be all lovey-dovey in their own homes instead of slapping in my face all their sickly sweet love!" Toshiro echoes his exact thoughts.

"I feel exactly the same way!"

"Really?"

In the distance they hear sirens.

Gintoki sighs. "This is the second time I'm running from the police today."

"…What?"

"Long story."

 

* * *

Step 17: Buy the chocolate cake you came all the way here for."

* * *

 

"Oh finally!" Gintoki drops on his knees in front of the awaited chocolate cake and hugs it, thankfully it's protected by a container so it doesn't get smashed to pieces by him.

"You found it, huh?" Toshiro jokes at the scene, but he might be thinking it's somewhat cute.

"Hey, let's take a picture together." Gintoki suggests out of the blue. "As a souvenir or something."

Toshiro nods with a small smile. "Okay.

They both get in front of the cake and take the picture, then look at each other a little lost.

"And now what?"

 

* * *

"Step 18: Be a gentleman."

* * *

 

"People are tired of all these stupid fuckboys. If you want to get in a relationship show you have an understanding and sensitive side, and that you are willing to wait for things that matter." Gintoki says seriously to the camera, then he turns to the front, where Toshiro is opening his door. He drove all the way to Toshiro's apartment to get him home safely because he is definitely a gentleman.

Gintoki sighs internally, thinking he will miss this new guy he met today.

He likes him.

He asks himself if he should just go for it or not. But he didn't just survive an attack of- he honestly doesn't even know what it was about- for nothing, so he decides to take his chances. He takes a deep breath in to give himself courage and when Toshiro is facing him once again he smiles and leans closer.

When they are only a few inches away Gintoki tilts his head and kisses his cheek softly.

"I guess this is goodnight." He whispers in his ear.

He is pulling away, if not for Toshiro's hand on his collar that stops him doing so.

"You're sweet, but you really call that a kiss?" The man smirks.

Gintoki doesn't even have time to react when Toshiro is suddenly pulling him in and their mouths smash together.

The door across from them opens and a guy that looks ready to go party somewhere crazy walks out of his apartment, and stops at the scene.

He starts whistling.

"Yeah dudes! Woohooo! Go an' get it!"

By that point they are passionately making out against the door and when it opens they quickly get in and close it again, undistinguishable sounds can be heard from inside.

 

* * *

"Step 19: Change your relationship status on facebook."

* * *

 

"I changed my relationship status on facebook. Guess what that means? Yep, we're official baby! Everyone knows that if you don't declare your relationship on facebook then all the moments you spent together mean nothing and they're not considered real. Toshi was the one to change the status first, you know? Aww, isn't he sweet!"

 

* * *

"Step 20: Realization."

* * *

 

When Gintoki is back to his own house he is ready to start where he left unfinished.

But then he has a realization.

"...Oh shit. I just realized that I can't cook now because I'm not single anymore and this was specifically for single people."

The image fades to black and white and there is sad music in the background for a few moments.

But then Gintoki's grinning face comes back on.

"So what to do now? Go and waste some money on your significant other with an expensive dinner, or breakfast by now since it's like 5 a.m., in some fancy restaurant. Have fun being lovey-dovey and throwing your relationship in people's faces!"

Gintoki gets out of his house to go and see his new boyfriend, he leaves with a 'V' sign.

"And this was all for today, see you guys next time. Peace out!"

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote something serious today so I wanted to write something stupid too. 
> 
> And don't forget what Gintoki said, if you're single there is a lot more chocolate for you on Valentine's Day!


End file.
